We will often find ourselves hanging out with someone we're attracted to, and aren't sure if it's a date. Sexsearch is here with some ways to know.

Being attracted to a friend (either new or old) can sometimes create confused feelings in us, and make us question whether or not our friendship is being seen as more than that when we spend time alone together. Depending on how strong your attraction is, and how good a time you both seem to be having, along with awkward moments that your mind can start to second guess at times where both of you are wondering the same thing... Is this a date? The easiest way to deal with this confusion is to consider any time someone hasn't directly said that it's a date, you should consider it by definition, not a date.

That's not to say that you can't still treat it in your mind like it is, but at the end of the hangout, it's up to you to then express your interest in going on a date. Until you do that, even if you end up hooking up at the end of the night, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's a date. Make things clear as soon as possible, because we know that crushes can be some of the strongest and most delusion-inducing thoughts our brains can produce.

That's the short answer, but let's take a deeper look at some ways that can help you figure out if there are date-like intentions behind your confusing hang.

Somewhere along the way, for reasons we weren't able to figure out in our research, people have moved away from using the word 'date' when they're asking if someone if they want to go on a date. Sometimes we ask if someone wants to "hang." Sometimes we just describe the activity we're proposing, as in, "Do you want to get something to eat?" (This is itself is a more gentle/unclear way of saying, "Can I take you out for dinner?"). Sometimes this is done in order to trick a person into being in a date-type situation without them knowing, but it seems like the most frequent reason for it is for lack of wanting to commit to the idea that what you're asking for is a date, in case you're rejected. Rejection and fear of failure are age-old roadblocks in many of our lives, but the way they've been manifesting themselves in current dating culture as weak and unclear questions that create a fog around many relationships in their early days, is both extremely interesting and extremely troubling.

So much confusion could be avoided if more people were comfortable with being completely upfront about what their intentions are when asking someone to do something. Of course there are situations where you're not sure if you want to date someone, but feel like it's at least worth a shot going on a pseudo-date to get a feel for that person's vibe, and your potential compatibility. The pseudo-date seems to have infiltrated its way into dating culture in a serious way though, so it might be worth bringing the word "date" into our vocabulary when we're trying to set up dates without the assistance of online dating sites.

Crushes are the first form of romantic interest that we experience in life typically. As children, our first attraction is not the thought that we want to have sex with the object of our desire. It's often a confusing feeling that we don't understand, other than that when we see a particular person, we feel funny, and probably a little out of control. As we begin to finally understand the sensation that we're feeling, and understand that this attraction will evolve at a point to something sexual as we age and become sexually active. And while the desire to have sex with someone can be intense, if the feeling began as a crush, that typically means that there's something about a person's personality on top of their appearance that makes your feeling stronger than being a simple physical attraction.

Because there's more to focus on when you have a crush, it's a much more diverse feeling, and one that can consume much more of our time than a sexual attraction. It's a form of aspiration. Like a dream, that we hold out some hope for until we find out if our crush is is mutual, or if the person is at least open to the idea of going out on a date with us.

When the crush is on a friend, there's often a concern that if you tell your friend about your feelings, they'll be freaked out, and it will damage your friendship. As we get older, we understand that letting our friends know about a crush is rarely the end of the world, but it can still be difficult. Especially if you spend a lot of time with that friend, and your mind runs wild, reading into moments that aren't even really there, or even just if there's a stalemate between the two parties not wanting to be the one to say something about their crush. These are feelings that can develop into obsession if not addressed. So just bite the bullet, and let your feelings be known. There might be an awkward week or two, but you'll both get over it. We promise. Finding out that someone isn't interested in you sexually is a sure-fire crush stomper. Your potential heartbreak is your best friend.

There are two main reasons for asking if an unclear hangout that you're on, or are going on is a date. One is that you want it to be a date, and two is that you don't want it to be. This is why we want to encourage everyone to try and be transparent in these matters. You could be spending time with someone; both of you having a great time, but both of you being on opposite ends of the romantic to platonic spectrum. It's 100% possible that both of you had such a great time, that you want to hang out again soon. If there's still time before the date/non-date, you could give yourself a bit of a pep talk, and ask your friend if it's a date or not. If they quickly say that it's not, then it's not. If they hesitate, or ask if you want it to be a date, there's a very good chance that they're considering it a date. If you don't feel the same way, now is the best time to gently say that you just want to hang out as friends.

One thing to note (and it's truly ridiculous that we need to, but we do), is that a lot of men don't like being your "friend" as a way of telling them you're not interested in dating them. We have no idea why some men have such a negative reaction to being called a friend. A friend is a fantastic thing to be considered. It would be great to shoot that reaction off into space; never to return.

A great way to know if the person you're hanging out with considers it a date is how fancy things are. If your friend shows up dressed to kill, then your answer is almost too obvious to even be writing about it. That means that at least one of you thinks it's a date. Act accordingly to either embrace the date, or to make it more casual and platonic.

If your waiter is wearing a tuxedo, even if you aren't interested in dating your friend, you are officially on a date. We know that we said that a date isn't a date unless someone calls it a date, or if it's a hangout initiated on an online dating app, but a tuxedoed waiter is the one exception to the rule. You're certainly not required to put on any sort of false romantic interest, but your friend is really trying to seal the deal.

Weird outdated concepts of male and female roles still loom large over the dating scene today. If your potential date is with a man, a near foolproof of way to know how they're looking at it, is if they offer to pay for whatever activities you're doing. We've seen this insistence to pay for everything go to embarrassing extremes before. Some men are so stuck in this idea that men pay for everything on a date, that even if you're just stopping into a variety store to buy a pack of gum between dinner and the show you're going to, there are men who'll insist they pay for that pack of gum that costs $1.25. You might think that like the tuxedoed waiter, this means that you're definitely on a date, but you most certainly are not on a date in this scenario if you're not interested. Instead, you're having an incredibly awkward and unpleasant night, that nobody would blame you for pushing the eject button on.

To further encourage being upfront and direct about your intentions, there's a possibility that not many think about. Let's say for example that you want this upcoming hangout to be a date, but your friend doesn't have any sense that it could be a date. That doesn't mean that your friend is completely against the idea of dating you. It just means that it hasn't occurred to them. Perhaps because they have low self-esteem, and feel like you're out of their league. Perhaps just because they haven't sensed any romantic or sexual vibes from you in your time spent together. There's the possibility that if you're direct and ask them if they'd like to go out on a date with you, they'd take a moment to think about it, and then realize that they're super into the idea. You've made yourself more attractive by being a good communicator, and letting them know what you're thinking.

Now imagine that you leave things obscure, and your friend realizes partway through your hangout that you're treating it as a date. This will likely create many anxieties and unpleasant feelings in them, even if they would have been into the idea if proposed to them in advance. They'll feel blindsided. They'll feel underdressed if you're dressed to the nines and they're not. The evening that they agreed to, and were sincerely looking forward to, now feels like something completely different to them. Something awkward, embarrassing, and probably uncomfortable.

Even if they take it all in stride, and the night goes well, and you end up agreeing to go on a proper date that you're both on the same page for next time, this will have created something in the back of their mind that associates you with trickery, and could keep her from ever trusting you completely. If you go on to have a romantic relationship OR if you end up just being friends, what's the point of either relationship if they're never going to be able to fully trust you. That's not love. That's not friendship.

Remember that a date isn't a date unless both parties are on the same page, and have agreed that it's a date. Dating CAN most certainly develop out of a mysterious maybe-date, but we think that it's rarely the best way to go about things. By not asking for a date directly, you're in a way saying that you're not confident that your friend is interested in going on a date with you, but you have a sneaky way to go out with them without them knowing it! So if you have romantic intentions towards someone, just let them know it. They'll be interested, or they won't be. Rejection might sting, but we swear that it stings far less than the weird and messy alternatives.

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